Narratives To Move Through Loss
By Sally Gelardin

In 2007, my family experienced three major losses:

•    My mother gave up her home of over 40 years.
•    A month later a young woman close to the family died one month before her 30th birthday. 
•    Two weeks later another family friend died in a bicycle race at the age of 25.

The first thing I did was work with family and friends to cope with the situation at hand. After each situation quieted down, I wrote, initially for myself, and then to share with family  – whatever came to mind.

Eve’s Recipes for Life

After moving my mother and selling her home, I brought with me a few cartons filled mostly with my mother’s papers.  Mother had been a high school English teacher. She took notes – on everything. One carton contained all my mother’s recipe books, which she had no use for at this stage of her life. Nor did anyone in the family. Over four cold, rainy days, I copied the family’s favorite recipes, annotating them with stories, such as my father’s recipe for French pancakes, which he made every New Year’s day. Then I scanned into the computer line drawings from old recipe books, created a book format, brought the pages to Kinkos to bind, and gave copies of Eve’s Recipes for Life to my mother and other family members on my first visit to my her new residence. After composing the narrative recipe book, I discarded all Mom’s old recipe books. On the cover of the book I wrote, “My mother’s recipes are more valuable than anything one could pick up at an estate sale.”

The Broken Plate

The second story I wrote was based on a china plate that I broke when packing. The plate became a symbol for my life falling apart and putting the pieces together in new ways.  I use the story and the plate in workshop presentations as a way to illustrate how we can grieve loss and then reconstruct our lives. For example, just before moving my mother I had competed a monograph on Starting and Growing a Business in the New Economy, published by the National Career Development Association. After the succession of family losses, one directly after another, entrepreneurship took second place to my focus on learning about and sharing with others self-care and caregiving techniques (Gelardin, 2007).   The broken plate story led to the creation of a Family Caregiver Wellness Model in which each piece of the broken plate represents an aspect of our lives (i.e., family, social, intellectual, bio-physical, spiritual, psychological, financial, work).

A Testimonial To a Young Woman Who Had a Noble Dream

Schlossberg (1981) said, "A transition can be said to occur if an event or non-event results in change in assumptions about oneself and the world and thus requires a corresponding change in one's behavior and relationships" (Evans et al., 1998, pg 111, in Winkler, 2002).  When a young woman close to the family died a month after I moved my mother, the loss triggered changes in the lives of several family members and friends. I wrote a testimonial to her dream, which was to provide beautiful, affordable living environments for home-bound individuals. (Gelardin, 2007).

A Tribute To My Mother

Four months later, one day before the next visit to my mother, I created another book to honor my mother. I collected photos from her high school yearbooks and newspaper clippings from her community service. The book became  “a tribute to my mother, a scholar who has generously shared her questioning mind throughout her life in both the classroom and the community” (Gelardin, 2007).  I feel it is better to honor her now while she can appreciate the book.

The Value of Writing Personal and Family Stories

Over the past year, I have written several reflective articles on loss and transition for the National Career Development Association’s online newsletter, Career Convergence and for posting on several e-communities that I administer (Gelardin, 2007).  In an article on “The Seasonal Rhythm of Career and Caregiving Decision-Making,” I listed the following narrative activities that I have carried out to manage loss:
•    Wrote a poem to my mother at a good-by party thrown for her by her friends;
•    Wrote an article for/edit a special issue of the Career Planning and Adult Development Journal on career and caregiving;
•    Started an online community for active seniors, www.agingworks.org; 
•    Wrote a narrative recipe book dedicated to my mother;
•    Composed a photo essay about my mother's dedication to education and community;
•    Wrote a story about and create an exercise about broken plates;
•    Wrote a tribute to a young woman who was important to my family.

I initially wrote as a way to honor my mother and others important in my life. The act of writing is cathartic for me, a way to articulate how I feel and to recapture significant events and people in my life. Writing personal and family stories is a healing activity for me. Writing also gives me an opportunity to share with others. I wrote in my mother-daughter book:

…hand-held cameras, autobiographies, and personal memoirs bring a person’s life story into the viewer’s intellectual living room. Increasing self-understanding of how we lead our lives can be a catalyst for change, enabling us to take control and improve the quality of our lives – both at work and at home.  By first becoming leaders of ourselves, we can then share what we have learned with others. (Gelardin, 2004).

More Narrative and Other Creative Arts Ideas for Caregivers

•    Create a caregiver lifework book club, movie club, or tv show club that meets once a month in person or online. Participants can vicariously identify with characters in the books, movies, or tv shows to learn more about themselves and to give and receive support for caregiver issues in common. 
•    Take a dance class. Steven Beaseley, managing editor of this Journal, teaches ballroom dancing to elders with degenerative diseases.  They report that their memory improves while dancing and remains clear a day after dancing.
•    Listen to music (Sacks, 2007). According to Oliver Sachs, music keeps the brain active longer.
•    Sing.  Just before Ben died at the age of 99, he could barely see, he was in constant pain, and he could not walk.  To keep himself occupied, in a robust voice he suddenly started singing songs from his past.
•    Write an “I Am From” Poem to recall favorable early family experiences.  Include sights, sounds, aromas, tastes, and relationships. 
•    Go deep sea fishing and record the experience.  Six months before he died, Ben’s best friend took him deep sea fishing.  The friend had to carry Ben onto the boat. Ben’s son Bob set up a tape recorder for his 98-year old father to record family stories. Subsequently, they were transferred into digital audio CDs, supplementing an earlier video recording of an interview by Bob with his father.
•    Learn how to play a musical instrument. Even amidst caregiving, practicing a musical instrument keeps one absorbed and sharp. Bob learned to play the oboe at age 62 and has practiced daily for the past five years.
•    Celebrate life with a tea party. Marlena honored her mother with a Mad Hatter Tea Party.  Her mother was dying from cancer and had moved across the country to live with Marlena at the end of her life.  Marlena then created a book to commemorate the occasion. For the next five years, Marlena held annual tea parties to celebrate life with her friends.
•    Create postcard collages of your past, present, and future lifestyle/environment. The postcard format for collages was originated by Brenda Vargus, a Career Development Facilitator.
•    Write and perform stand-up comedy routines.  The following story was written by Cherie Dolgin. In the not too distant future we may be the ladies from the Sunset Home.

Lunch at the Fish Fry Restaurant

Four ladies from the Sunset Home settled into a booth at The Fish Fry Restaurant. “Do you think that I parked too close to the line in the lot?” inquired Edna. “No” replied Betty.  “The line was right down the middle, with enough car on both sides.” “Then why was the man next to us beeping?” pondered Edna. The waiter approached their table and asked the women what they would like to drink. “I’ll have ice water,” answered Joan, “but no ice – just really cold water.”  “Me too,” said Veronica, “except that I want ice.  I’ll just sip because if I chew on ice, it bothers my teeth.” “I’ll have ice tea too,” said Betty.  “No one else is having ice tea,” remarked Edna.  “Why can’t I have ice tea?” asked Betty.  “You can,” replied Edna, “I just said that you are the only one having it.” “But do you want ice in your ice tea?” inquired Joan. “I’ll have three cubes please,” answered Betty, “on the side.” “I guess I’ll have ice tea too,” said Edna. “Why are you ordering two ice teas when you said that I couldn’t have even one?” queried Betty. “You can have your ice tea with three cubes,” replied Edna, “I’m having just one ice tea with the regular amount of cubes.” “I’d like to change my order to ice tea if it makes you regular,” said Veronica. “Ladies,” interrupted the waiter, “let me get this straight.  You want one ice water with no ice and three ice teas.  Two regular ice teas and one with three cubes, but not in the tea.  Is that correct?” “Could you give us a few more minutes to decide,” answered Joan.  “And when you come back, would you bring the menu that describes each of the entrees you offer for the lunch.  We may have a few questions!”

Summary
You are welcome to apply any of the narrative activities described above to your own caregiving situation and share them with caregivers.   I wrote in my mother-daughter book:

As I hiked along my favorite trail, I noticed a mother scolding her two pre-schoolers who merrily romped through a mud puddle.  I said to the mother, ‘Funny how your children are eager to explore the ground slipping and sliding beneath them while the rest of us wish life were less shaky and more stable.’  The ground slips and slides whether we like it or not.

As caregivers or as carers of caregivers, the ground “slips and slides whether we like it or not.” Not every caregiver has the time or inclination to keep a journal, write poetry, or perform narrative or other arts activities. However, those who do choose these forms of communication will find that “by reflecting upon the past (our parents, ancestors, cultural heritage), we may better be able to understand the present and prepare for the future” (Gelardin, 2004).

References
Dolgin, C. (2007). Lunch at the Fish Fry Restaurant. Email correspondence with author 12/9/07.
Gelardin, S. (2006). I Am From Poem. Retrieved 1/29/08:  www.lifeworkps.com...
Gelardin, S. (2004). The Mother-Daughter Relationship:  Activities for Promoting Lifework Success. Retrieved 1/28/08:  www.AskDrSal.com
Gelardin, S. (2007). Aging Works. Retrieved 1/28/08:  www.AgingWorks.org .
Gelardin, S. (2007). The Seasonal Rhythm of Career and Caregiving Decision-Making. Article in Career Convergence, National Career Development Association online newsletter. Retrieved 1/28/08: lifeworkps.com... .
Gelardin, S. (2007). Starting and Growing a Business in the New Economy:  Successful Career Entrepreneurs Share Stories and Strategies. The National Career Development Association. Retrieved 1/28/08:  www.entrepreneurkits.com .
Sacks, O. (2007). Musicophilia:  Tales of Music and the Brain . Alfred A. Knopf. Retrieved 1/28/08: www.amazon.com... .
Schlossberg, N. (1984). Counseling Adults in Transition:  Linking practice with theory. New York:  Springer Publishing Company.